Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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