great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
