EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
