Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
