Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
