I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
