His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
