can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
