For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
