DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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