Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
