i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
