Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
