the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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