my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
