As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
