you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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