You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
