I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
