i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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