Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
