My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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