Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
