The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i dont even know how to be here
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
