It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
