Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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