my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
