Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
