if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
