i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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