Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
