If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
