So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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