I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
