i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize