So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
