I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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