I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
