Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
