I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
