I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
