I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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