Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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