sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize