the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
