I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
