I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
