Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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