While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
