goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
