Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
