Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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