put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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