i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
