She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Randomize
