Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize