no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
