your parents love me but you hate me
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
