Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
