I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Randomize