Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
