I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
