ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
