Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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