so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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